How do you
in Nonnyland? Here we are having a very hot and uncomfortable summer, but thankfully
in the last few days we have been blessed with a delicious cool breeze.
It pains me
to see you so concerned about Miss Swift’s reputation. How immensely thoughtful you are to take such pains in
enquiring about a young lady that is merely a passing acquaintance of yours.
not, my friend, because I can assure you that the situation is not as dire as
it sounds. It’s true that a few weeks ago, when we first learned that Ms. Swift
had eloped with Mr. Hiddleston, we all believed they were going straight to Gretna Green to get married.
We later knew that their travels had taken them elsewhere, and our concern for
Miss Swift’s safety grew every passing day.
However, I happen
to know now from very reputable sources that Miss Swift’s family and friends
are taking every possible measure to see this situation arranged without delay. In fact, as I write to
you Mr. Swift has send a relative of his entire confidence to London, in search
of Miss Swift and Mr. Hiddleston; and this relative has promised he will not
return until he has seen them properly married.
confide in you, my dear Miss Nonny, that I have the firm conviction that the
issue will be resolved soon in the most satisfactory way. After all, Miss Swift
is a very accomplished young lady: not only is she sufficiently beautiful, sweet
and sensible; she has also had the benefit of a good education, being well
versed in all the arts, but especially in music, singing and dancing. And let
us not forget that she has an income of seventy million a year, and very likely
more! Any young man, from London or from the countryside, would call himself
lucky to join in matrimony a young lady of such excellent prospects.
your concern on the matter comes from your mistrust of Mr. Hiddleston’s
character. To this I must again answer you with reassuring words. Although I
don’t have the pleasure of being acquainted with the gentleman in person, every
report I’ve had of him and his family has been impeccable. In case you haven’t
heard it already, I must let you know that the young man attended Eton College in
his youth; and then Cambridge University, where he became greatly versed in the
Classics. Besides, he has a sizeable income of his own, which dispels those alarming
rumours of him being a fortune hunter that some uncouth people have been
spreading all around the country. All of his acquaintances speak wonders of his
gentle humour and amiable character, and I have to say that he would be the
last man in England of whom I would expect a villainy of any kind.
a gentleman of such high character and respectability would never have the
audacity of taking a lady away from her friends and family without the
intention of making her his wife. Under this circumstances the elopement can
only be due to a moment of foolishness and, I dare say, an excess of passion, that I am sure will be placated as soon as they
are properly joined in Holy Matrimony.
hope this letter will find you well, and I expect it will also quench all your
fears. I will pass your kind regards to Mrs. Swift, who, despite being justly concerned
about her daughter’s welfare and respectability, shares with me and with all of
her friends the undying hope that this unfortunate
adventure will end very soon in the most satisfactory way.
promise to visit the next time you’re in Spain. I trust that the situation will be
resolved by then and we will be able to raise a glass to the health of the
newly married couple.
My duty to
all your family, and especially to your dear aunt Mrs. Incognito.
14th, year of Our Lord 1816.
This, my friends, is the most epic anon hate smackdown I’ve ever read.
@missviolethunter, I love you.
I’m crying, this is wonderful.
While I appreciate the wonderfulness of this post… I am more than a little disturbed that ones such as this are even necessary. And thus, I will leave you all with a few thoughts… Adults people. Mind your own. Who cares. Seriously?